A Raining Sunday

8.30am. Nothing much I can do, so just sit on this olden couch trying very hard to write something. It has been a week since my last writing. A week full of stories but what I have here is nothing but blank in my brain, with not even a single word to start with a sentence. God, at this very moment I really feel my loneliness. So wish I have somebody to talk to. Hmm..

Another hectic week just went by. I barely seen the sun. Routine, I would left my house around 6.50am. Lately, the traffic was damn worst, so I guess it left me no options other than to go to my office earlier than before. And to end the day, I will head back from office around 8.00pm. So, basically, I would spent more than half of my 24hrs working and driving. Is this the kind of life that I have to live with? Do I have option not to live this life the way I live, currently? Of course I do. And at this very moment. I will not decide when and how I would change this life. Not today.

I had a series of weird dreams last week. One of the dream was really wicked and it kept bugging me until today. In that dream, I met old buddy of mine. And in that dream, I spent a day with him, his wife and his daughter. We talked, we laughed and we did things that we were used to do during our college-days. And, that is weird since we never met for years. Not after he got married. Why in this dream? My mom used to telling me that, if I met somebody I knew, in my dream, something bad is gonna happen to him. God, should I believe this? Nah, sorry mom, I choose not to believe it. Let be realistic and let be positive. Maybe it is time for me to start making few calls to my lost friends. Maybe it is time to re-visit what was forgotten. Time to discover what have been lost for years. And this dream is the first step. The first step to a long discovery.

Is this the miracle that I have been waiting for? In my previous entry, I have wrote that I wish to find a miracle this year. Is this it?

Outside, is still raining.

45th Day & Counting ...

45th day of 2009. It was a quick weekend. I spent my half Saturday sitting and thinking what I have achieved so far. Looking back, there's nothing much though. I guess, it's still early to make any judgement as whether 2009 is going to be an interesting and tantalizing year. Another 10 and a half months. Or another 320 days to go, to be exact. I guess I have to wait. Like I always did. Waiting.

Life (work) was hectic for the past one week. But, funny, despite all the things that I have finished, I feel like I didn't do much, my assignments are still piling up, and no sign of ******!! Everyone was busy with KPI since Thursday was the dateline. And Me? I spent my whole Thursday doing my KPI too. Wait, was it Thursday or Wednesday? Hmm.. guess I forgot again, what day it was. Anyway, he did his evaluation on me. About me and what he "saw" in me. What I have achieved in 2008, and what I have NOT. But, overall, it was a quick one. Not more that 5 minutes. But, the hell with what he saw and what he expect me to be.

What he expect me to be? And what I expect me, myself to be this year?

He knows or just pretend to be, knows. Me? Seriously, I dunno.

Aku & Segelas Milo Panas - Part 2

"Kau tengok tu", katanya, sambil menudingkan jarinya. "Apa?" aku bertanya sambil mengarahkan pandanganku kearah kawasan pembinaan yang terletak tidak berapa jauh dari kawasan rumah. "Itulah, buruh-buruh indon tu, dah malam macam ni pun masih kerja kuat", hujahnya kepada aku. Aku garu-garu kepala yang tiba-tiba pulak gatal.

Betul kata dia. Indon-indon itu masih tekun bekerja. Gelap, mereka cuma bersinarkan cahaya lampu kabait, yang meliuk-liuk ditiup angin. Tabah, kataku dalam hati. Dan, dia masih lagi menumpukan pandangannya ke arah itu.

"Mereka pendatang", aku cuba memecah kesunyian.

"Kalau kita juga pendatang dibumi ini, seperti mereka, aku rasa kita jugak akan seperti itu . Kerja siang dan malam. Ini soal hidup dan mati dibumi asing. Ini soal survival mereka. Mereka terpaksa. Dan kita..", aku berhenti berkata. Dia menoleh kearahku. Cuba mentafsir apa yang aku cuba sampaikan. Aku diam. Begitu jugak dia.

"Mereka seperti kita jugak", kataku sambil mengusap-usap telinga gelas. Air milo yang tadi panas dah hampir sejuk.

Dia masih diam.

"Seperti kita, mereka tak ada banyak pilihan. Dan itulah pilihan yang terbaik untuk mereka, buat masa ini, sekurang-kurangnya, mereka ada sesuatu yang nak dibikin untuk menghilangkan kerinduan mereka pada kampung halaman. Atau kerinduan mereka kepada saat-saat indah dalam kehidupan mereka sebelum mereka sampai disini." tambahku.

"Kau masih ingat apa kata-kata Dufresne kan? Semasa dia duduk sendirian dalam bilik kecil tu?" tanyaku. Dia diam, dan lantas mengangguk-anggukkan kepalanya perlahan. Tangannya mengusap-ngusap badan gitar usangnya itu. "Ya, aku ingat tu", jawabnya.

"Manusia akan membuat apa saja untuk tidak membiarkan kotak mindanya terbiar kosong", sambungnya sambil tersengih. "Malam-malam macam ni pun sempat jugak kau nak berfalsafah dengan aku yer.." sambungnya lagi.

"Malam la masa nak berfalsafah beb", balasku sambil mencebik.

Malam makin menjangkau. Indon-indon tu masih lagi taksub dengan kerja-kerja mereka, Malah satu-dua dari mereka masih mampu untuk bergurau. Dan aku masih di beranda itu. Melihat telatah malam dan mereka. Dan dia.

Me & Midnight - Part 2

Mom and sis are both already lost into nothingness, far away in the state of dreamland. Me? I still couldn’t get myself into sleeping mood. Turned off the TV and turned off the only ceiling lamp but still couldn’t close my eyes. Too tired maybe. I always have this habit where I couldn’t sleep when too tired. Sound weird huh? It is a weird world. And full of weird people.

So, I took my laptop out from its pink case. Gently I put it down on my faded mattress. Still firm despite the glooming color due to its age. I turn on my laptop. The dark room now started to gleam from the screen. One of the quietest moment in my life. And writing is seems the only option now. At least to make my mind occupied, even just for one paragraph full of nonsense. Hope this could help me to ease my raging mood.

Silent. And too quiet.

Was a hectic week. The traffic was damn worst! A 38km journey which normally took me bout 30 minutes now is doubled of that. Patience is now my greatest enemy. How long can I sustain this? How long you people out there, who share the same feeling as me, can sustain this? Or am I alone? God, help me. Workload is peaking. I spent my last four working days doing other people's work. That stupid man! And that stupid BRP3! Everyone around me seems to be so stupid and so annoying!

Wait! Where does this hostility came from?

Only saw her once this week. She was wearing that dress. Blue dress. Flowered. Her big eyes and her shiny black hair. I kept looking at her. She was crossing the road. At the usual spot, crowded with morning traffic. She took her cautious step, looking at her right and left, before crossing the road. To keep her safe from reckless malaysian driver. And I kept my eyes at her. And for that little stunt I almost get myself killed.

Hey, this is me. And still writing. With my half-closed eyes. It works! Writing make me feel sleepy. So, this is me, withdrawing myself from this medium. I will be back again. I promise.

Goodnite!

String Of Memories

It was a hot day. He threw the car keys on the sofa and went upstairs for Zohor. Then, after 10 minutes, he came down, holding a guitar on his right hand and seated on the faded-brown couch. And still holding the guitar. An old acoustic guitar which he bought more than 6 years ago. Still remembered when. Two days after he came back from his vacation --> Perhentian Island <--. God, 6 years?, seems not so long ago.

"Why did you bought it?", I asked. "Just simply", he replied to me, without even looking at my face. His hands was busy with the new strings that he just bought. I just looked at him and try to understand why he has to change the guitar strings. "What you gonna do with the old ones?", I tried to start a conversation. "What?". "What you gonna do with the old strings?", I repeated my question. "Well, I will keep em', who knows I might need em' in the future", he turned his head to me and grinned. "So, what song you gonna play?", I asked him, right after he finished fixing the new strings. "I dunno, what song do you like to hear?", he asked. His left hand was on the fret, try to find a chord to play. Silent.

"Something has happen to me when I was on my vacation", suddenly he spoke. "Sorry, what had happened?", I asked him. Silent again. "I dunno what it actually was, but there was a moment where I said to myself that I must buy a guitar right after I come back from my vacation", he replied. He looked at me. I can see a determination in his eyes. "That is why I bought this guitar", and gently he strummed the new strings. There was a moment of silent. We both unspeaked. And he continued to play and strummed his guitar for about 5 minutes. Nice melody though. And he started to sing. Like always, I just sit on the couch and listened to him. His husky voice, his music with his own interpretation. I smile.

"Kringgg!!". I seated. Sweats all over me. It was so hot.

Just a dream.

Aku & Segelas Milo Panas - Part 1

Terkurung. Itulah yang dapat aku simpulkan. Dari jam 1.30 petang tadi hingga sekarang aku masih melekat di sofa ini, mengadap komputer ribaku yang semakin panas. Kalaulah sofa ini mampu berkata-kata, aku rasa sudah lama aku dihalau keluar. Ah, peduli apa aku! Halaulah aku keluar!

Sluurp.. ah, sedap jugak air milo nih. Kuhirup air milo itu perlahan-lahan, panas tetapi mampu memberi tenaga. Tenaga yang mampu memberikanku kesegaran. Pening kepalaku dah semakin berkurang. Cuma loya yang tinggal. Pelik juga, tak pernah aku loya macam nih, mungkin sebab terlalu lama mengadap komputer dan tv. Hmm.. mungkin coklat ini dapat membantu, sambil ku kunyah coklat yang dah berkurun ku simpan dalam peti sejuk ku. Keras seperti batu. Keras betul coklat nih. Nak saja kurendam coklat nih dalam air milo. Biar cair. Cair bersama milo. Pekat. Mungkin lebih sedap milo nih, kalau ada rasa coklat pekat.

Dah hampir seminggu blogku terbiar. Tak ada apa yang menarik nak ku tulis. Ini percubaan pertama dalam bahasa melayu. Harap-harap aku masih mampu menulis, dalam bahasa yang dah lama aku perap dalam kotak mindaku. Bukan mudah nak menulis rupanya. Apatah lagi dalam bahasa yang semakin asing dalam hidupku. Aku masih petah berkata-kata. Tapi untuk menulis, ia satu cabaran yang menggetirkan. Betul ke apa yang aku tulis nih? Ah, berkarat dah! Rasa nak kucelup saja kepalaku dalam air milo nih. Biar cair bersama-sama dengan coklat batu tadi. Dah lebih 20 tahun ia terpinggir dari hidupku. Dah lebih 20 tahun juga aku seolah-olah menidakkan kehadirannya. Bahasa yang pernah mengenalkan aku ke dunia komunikasi. Tanpanya aku pasti bisu. Mungkin inilah natijah yang terpaksa aku pikul. Bergelumang dalam dunia yang mengagungkan bahasa asing. Mengeluh.

Adil ker? Menyalahkan keaadan untuk melepaskan diri dari jerat yang kupasang sendiri? Mungkin ketaksubanku terhadap bahasa yang aku rasa dapat melonjakkan aku ke tahap lebih tinggi sedikit sebanyak telah memakan diriku sendiri. Mungkinkah dengan percubaan ini, aku mampu untuk memulihkan apa yang telah lama sakit? Mungkin. Aku hanya mampu berharap. Mampu kah aku?

Malam semakin larut.

Ah, dah habis pulak air milo nih.

Me & Dilemma - An Answer to Part 1

Yup, let's put an end to this. So, no more unanswered dilemma. I already gave my answer. She called me on the third day after the meeting. And we had a long conversation. I told her what I felt about it. Told her some of the findings that I have googled-out. And, the answer was "NOPE". At first, she was a little bit disappointed with my answer. And she wanted me to justified my reason for rejecting. So, I did. Told her everything. I told her that I did not oppose the concept but I did not agree with some of the methodology and approaches, and for the "too secretive" about the price and stuffs.

And she finally accepted it. Without any doubt.

I am happy. Happy and able to breathe, knowing that I am no longer hooked. Managed to pushed myself away from the guilty feeling and to have the gut to tell her everything, about what I really feel without fear of rejection. And I am glad that she can accept it without a doubt. And we still talk. But I still owe her the book and the CDs. To return what is not mine.

Thank God!

This is me. Walking away. From the corner, where I used to be sitting. The corner where I never thought I would win. After all, it wasn't that hard. What I need ---> believe and gut <---.