Sit, Write & Decide?

Another hot boring night!

Here I am, trying very hard to pull myself away from this state of extreme dullness. Like yesterday, and like the day before yesterday, there's no interesting program on the TV (really need to re-evaluate the purpose of subscribing this so called "macam2 ada" cable TV). Ah! Got myself stuck-in this ring of deception again! Anyway, let forget about my never-ending dilemmas, what is more important - Arsenal is going to face Man U tomorrow morning at Emirates Stadium, yeah! Let see what will be the outcome tomorrow! So, got a big thing to be discuss tomorrow with my two die-hard fans of Man U!

Been thinking for the past few days - when I was resting myself on my aging couch. Few things crossed my mind and I really need to address those. 1st, I have to change my blog dressing, which, hmm.. I did, and really like the new colors and concept. Secondly, I really need A BREAK! God! I have spent most of my last 10 months stucked in my damn cubicle and staring at my depreciating screen. I really need to revisit my plan to detach myself from the ordinary thing, yes, project PIN is about to be re-activated. And, tomorrow, this plan will be highlighted and digested over the lunch. Can't wait!

Third thing to do is? - need to call for a meet-up with my old buddies. When was the last meet-up? Ugh, barely recall. More than 5 weeks ago, I guess. Looking forward for it, cause there will always good stories to be tell and shared among us. No damn-job-related topics, that is always the rule. It always good to have this nonsense-session where illogical matters seems to be the centre of discussion. Ehehe, what am I talking? I guess, my S10 screen is just to small, and that affecting my brain. Can't think!

Fourth thing - got to get myself a secondary LCD monitor for my S10. Can't go on staring at my 10 inch monitor, I will go blind one of these days. Already have a couple of options in my head, hmm.. that would cost me another RM370 to RM45o, depending on my mood and how well the amoi can please me (smug face). I should have took this matter into consideration before buying this tiny S10. Hmm...

Fifth - my most anticipated purchase of the year! My first DSLR camera. It is the choice between Nikon D60 or Canon EOS 450D. Can't wait for the day. Already made my research on the pros and cons, ehehe.. and now waiting for my personal advisor to say, "Dude, today is the day where your dream is about to be real!" Ahaks! That gonna cost me another thousands!

Six? Ah, should I continue with this long "what-to-do" list?

I guess, it is time to put a stop. Should continue this in future posting, so atleast I will still have something to write about. Something! Chiao!

Aku.. Kini & Sepotong Memori

Sebulan yang lalu, ketika posting terakhir ditulis, segalanya berbeza. Emosi dan perasaan ketika itu adalah berbeza. Malam itu berbeza. Cuaca juga berbeza. Dan, ketika posting itu ditulis, pemerintah juga berbeza. Kalau ketika itu, negara diterajui oleh Pak Lah and the gang, sekarang Najib berkuasa. Kalau ketika itu Tun Mahathir bukan lagi seorang ahli UMNO, kini, segalanya berubah, borang keahliannya telah dihantar, sejurus Pak Lah melepaskan tampuk pemerintahan. Ironi huh? Ah, pedulikan semua itu. Perkara berubah, seiring dengan masa. Manusia berubah. Politik? Kalau semalam menyokong parti permerintah, hari ini manusia berubah memilih pembangkang. Manusia dengan agendanya dan kepentingannya. Bila agenda berubah, kepentingan terusik, manusia turut berubah.

Dan tak lupa, jalan kat kampung pun sudah mula berubah wajah. Dah lebih 40 tahun, seusia kakak sulungku, jalan itu tak pernah berubah, kalau ada pun, perubahannya amat sedikit, mungkin cuma 2%. Walaupun sudah berpuluh wakil rakyat bertukar-ganti, keadaan jalan itu masih sama. Sempit dan berdebu merah. Bolehlah dikatakan, modenisasi seolah satu kata keramat, yang hanya disebut sekali dalam pusingan abad. Jujur, pernah terdetik di hatiku yang kadangkala bergelora ini, lebih baiklah daerahku ini diperintah oleh seekor beruk, kerna binatang kecil itu tidak dikurniakan akal untuk berfikir. Aku rela diperintah beruk yang tak berakal dari diperintah manusia yang tak mampu menggunakan akal fikiran. Lantang sangat tu. Marah dan dendam! Lantas, justifikasi itu kusimpan dalam-dalam disudut hatiku, panas, membara! Dan tak kala pemerintah bijak itu berbicara tentang Selangor maju tahun 2005, berbicara tentang internet, tentang jalur lebar dan tentang impiannya untuk merealisasikan imaginasi melampaunya, daerahku ini masih seperti ketika kakak sulungku berusia 1 tahun. Tercicir dari imaginasinya. Dan, jujur, masih banyak daerah dinegeriku yang masih terpinggir. Jangan bicara pasal jalur lebar, jangan lah bicara tentang internet, tentang teknologi, kalau keperluan asas masih lagi ditagih. Jangan bicara pasal melayu glokal kalau muka masih berbedakkan debu!

Hmm.. masih ingat aku, ketika berjalan balik dari sekolah, dijalan sempit dan berdebu itu, dengan beg hijau berharga tak lebih RM10, dijunjung atas kepala menghalang panahan cahaya mentari terpajak 90 darjah. Sambil mulutku menghisap sisa-sisa manis gula-gula 5 sen yang aku beli dikedai Haji Sitam. Sejauh 1.6km. Di jalan itulah. Dan debu-debu itulah. Ah, itu 24-25 tahun yang lalu. Ketika itu aku masih mentah dan jahil ilmu. Dan ketika itu, kamus tatabahasaku terlalu amat sedikit. Perkataan Modenisasi tertalu asing buatku. Dan jalan itu adalah separuh dari duniaku. Syukur, ketika aku tidak pandai mengeluh, tidak seperti aku sekarang. Kalau adapun, terlalu amat sedikit berbanding sekarang. Mungkin itulah harga yang harus aku dibayar. Harga sebuah kematangan.

Semalam, segalanya berubah.

Jalan itu berubah. Lebar dan berpasir. Debu putih itu seolah membasuh segala apa yang terbuku dalam hati setelah sekian lama. Dan seolah ada harapan. Walaupun mungkin hanya sekecil hablur pasir itu, aku kembali membina asa-asas harapan yang segalanya mungkin akan berubah. Dan, mungkin jalan itu akan menjadi titik permulaan untuk sesuatu yang lebih besar. Pembaharuan yang besar ertinya. Yang mungkin terlalu besar buat mereka yang menetap di daerah berdebu itu. Buat mereka yang rata-ratanya berada diakhir kitaran hidup. Dan mungkin pembaharuan yang mampu menghakis kenanganku pada jalan sempit dan berdebu itu. Kembali mengharap. Penantian selama lebih 40 tahun ? Itulah harganya.

Alhamdullillah!

Matinya Di Daerah Asing

10 bulan lalu, dia diambil pergi. Bukan kerna kemahuan. Bukan atas kerelaan. Tapi kerna terpaksa. Jika diberi pilihan, pastinya dia mahu terus tinggal disitu. Di daerah kelahirannya. Di daerah dimana dia menghabiskan warna-warni keremajaannya. Daerah di mana dia belajar mengagah dan mencorak warna awal hidupnya. Di situ dia mengecap nikmat hidup. Hujan, panas, terang perit dah jerih, walau sesukar mana, dia tetap gembira. Baginya di situ ada jiwa. Dan jiwa itu adalah segalanya.

Dan, hampir 10 bulan juga dia telah berada disini. Dunia baru. Satu daerah yang asing, tandus dan statik. Di sini segalanya kaku. Dan disini, dunia ini seolah-olah menidakkan kewujudannya. Ah, dunia apa ini? Si penjaga yang membawanya ke sini juga seolah telah sesat dalam dunia statik ini. Dalam dunia ciptaannya sendiri.

Dan selama 10 bulan itu jugalah dia cuba untuk meyakinkan diri untuk mencorak warna hidup di daerah baru. Namun hampa. Semakin hari, keyakinannya semakin terhakis. Tertekan. Hidupnya sepi. Melur tiada disisinya. Begitu juga Lili. Dua teman rapatnya. Dulu, ketika mereka bersama, di daerah itu, perkataan sunyi tidak pernah wujud dalam hidup mereka. Sentiasa mereka bersama, mendongak mentari dan menadah hujan. Itulah catatan diari harian mereka. Semuanya dilakukan bersama. Jemu? Ah, jauh sekali. Namun, Tuhan tidak memberinya kudrat untuk menolak takdir. Bukankah takdir itu datang dari-Nya? Dan takdirlah yang telah memanggilnya ke sini. Tuhan juga tidak memberinya kudrat untuk kembali menagih hidup ke daerah tinggalannya.

Dua hari lalu sakit telah datang menjemputnya. Noktah.

Hari ini, dia menghitung detik2 waktu pengakhir kisahnya. Tidak pernah terfikir di benaknya yang hidupnya sebegini singkat. Dan sesepi ini. Hina sangatkah dia? Menghitung detik akhir berseorangan. Bila?

Matinya disini.

".. manapun aku berlabuh.. pastinya untuk disambut, biarpun tak bersungguh.. biarlah tak tertangguh ditelapak kaki mu.. ... sakit....."

~ ehehe ~

Pause Of The Day

It is 7.45am. And this is me, sitting in my car and listening to my favorite songs. Firstly, I should thank to whoever invented this tiny thing that we called a cassette player, or a disc player, or a mp3 player, or whatever people may called it elsewhere in this planet. Secondly, I should also thank the carmaker for installing this car with a disc player, so people like me who spent 8% of the day --> in my car, alone <---, would have something to listen to. Brilliant invention !!! Just imagine, what a person would do, sitting alone and driving from point A (Kangar, Perlis) to point B (Johor Bahru) without having any kind of entertainment or communication ?? Did you ever thought about it ?? I guess, people like me can always do with singing, but for how long ? Until out of voice ? Until my throat went dry ? Hmm.. so, what I am trying to say is, I should be thankful to God! Thankful, for still having a great sense of hearing (one of many). And for the tiny disc player, ahakss! And of course, the Cranberries CDs!

Outside, nothing move. I am in a complete state of stationary. On my left, a chinese girl driving a green MyVi, and like me she's also trying very hard to understand (I believe so, judging from her expression) what life she has got into, trapped in the maze of traffic, and the brain start to process all the available options and possible way out from this state. At the moment, there is no practical answer. Nope. But I believe that each and everyone out there, like me and the chinese girl in the green MyVi, who trapped in this bloody maze almost everyday would somehow, in their mind thinking about what life have they got into. And I also believe that more than half of them are blessed for having a companion or atleast something to listen to. Am I right ? Or to hell with that thought ? This maze is killing me !! Ever since the government reduce the fuel price, people starts to drive again. Majority of them think they have an extra buck to be spent and driving is again become a habit, especially during this rainy season. Eventhough I don't have anything to prove on the relationship between the fuel price and our driving habit, I strongly believe that my point is valid. Just believe it. The are times in life where we should only hear what our natural sense has to say, no question to that, and no need to prove anything. Gut says!

So, I took out my cellphone and snapped a few shots of the fine morning. Took a picture of cars infront of me. And took a picture of the sun. What a good thing to do huh? Enjoy the morning and enjoy the moment! Atleast I manage see the morning sunlight. Wish that I have this luxury everyday. The luxury of not having this weird feeling in me whenever I sit in my workstation. Ah, just a stupid wish though! During this period of worst economic climate, complaining about life is the last thing I should do. No matter how negative is my perception towards life and ahead, I have to live with it! c'est la vie!

Time moving so slow, a minute seems like an hour. Honk !!! Ah, got to go now, before the whole world start to screams at me! And finally, everything around me starts to move!

Meet me again in future entry.

A Raining Sunday

8.30am. Nothing much I can do, so just sit on this olden couch trying very hard to write something. It has been a week since my last writing. A week full of stories but what I have here is nothing but blank in my brain, with not even a single word to start with a sentence. God, at this very moment I really feel my loneliness. So wish I have somebody to talk to. Hmm..

Another hectic week just went by. I barely seen the sun. Routine, I would left my house around 6.50am. Lately, the traffic was damn worst, so I guess it left me no options other than to go to my office earlier than before. And to end the day, I will head back from office around 8.00pm. So, basically, I would spent more than half of my 24hrs working and driving. Is this the kind of life that I have to live with? Do I have option not to live this life the way I live, currently? Of course I do. And at this very moment. I will not decide when and how I would change this life. Not today.

I had a series of weird dreams last week. One of the dream was really wicked and it kept bugging me until today. In that dream, I met old buddy of mine. And in that dream, I spent a day with him, his wife and his daughter. We talked, we laughed and we did things that we were used to do during our college-days. And, that is weird since we never met for years. Not after he got married. Why in this dream? My mom used to telling me that, if I met somebody I knew, in my dream, something bad is gonna happen to him. God, should I believe this? Nah, sorry mom, I choose not to believe it. Let be realistic and let be positive. Maybe it is time for me to start making few calls to my lost friends. Maybe it is time to re-visit what was forgotten. Time to discover what have been lost for years. And this dream is the first step. The first step to a long discovery.

Is this the miracle that I have been waiting for? In my previous entry, I have wrote that I wish to find a miracle this year. Is this it?

Outside, is still raining.

45th Day & Counting ...

45th day of 2009. It was a quick weekend. I spent my half Saturday sitting and thinking what I have achieved so far. Looking back, there's nothing much though. I guess, it's still early to make any judgement as whether 2009 is going to be an interesting and tantalizing year. Another 10 and a half months. Or another 320 days to go, to be exact. I guess I have to wait. Like I always did. Waiting.

Life (work) was hectic for the past one week. But, funny, despite all the things that I have finished, I feel like I didn't do much, my assignments are still piling up, and no sign of ******!! Everyone was busy with KPI since Thursday was the dateline. And Me? I spent my whole Thursday doing my KPI too. Wait, was it Thursday or Wednesday? Hmm.. guess I forgot again, what day it was. Anyway, he did his evaluation on me. About me and what he "saw" in me. What I have achieved in 2008, and what I have NOT. But, overall, it was a quick one. Not more that 5 minutes. But, the hell with what he saw and what he expect me to be.

What he expect me to be? And what I expect me, myself to be this year?

He knows or just pretend to be, knows. Me? Seriously, I dunno.

Aku & Segelas Milo Panas - Part 2

"Kau tengok tu", katanya, sambil menudingkan jarinya. "Apa?" aku bertanya sambil mengarahkan pandanganku kearah kawasan pembinaan yang terletak tidak berapa jauh dari kawasan rumah. "Itulah, buruh-buruh indon tu, dah malam macam ni pun masih kerja kuat", hujahnya kepada aku. Aku garu-garu kepala yang tiba-tiba pulak gatal.

Betul kata dia. Indon-indon itu masih tekun bekerja. Gelap, mereka cuma bersinarkan cahaya lampu kabait, yang meliuk-liuk ditiup angin. Tabah, kataku dalam hati. Dan, dia masih lagi menumpukan pandangannya ke arah itu.

"Mereka pendatang", aku cuba memecah kesunyian.

"Kalau kita juga pendatang dibumi ini, seperti mereka, aku rasa kita jugak akan seperti itu . Kerja siang dan malam. Ini soal hidup dan mati dibumi asing. Ini soal survival mereka. Mereka terpaksa. Dan kita..", aku berhenti berkata. Dia menoleh kearahku. Cuba mentafsir apa yang aku cuba sampaikan. Aku diam. Begitu jugak dia.

"Mereka seperti kita jugak", kataku sambil mengusap-usap telinga gelas. Air milo yang tadi panas dah hampir sejuk.

Dia masih diam.

"Seperti kita, mereka tak ada banyak pilihan. Dan itulah pilihan yang terbaik untuk mereka, buat masa ini, sekurang-kurangnya, mereka ada sesuatu yang nak dibikin untuk menghilangkan kerinduan mereka pada kampung halaman. Atau kerinduan mereka kepada saat-saat indah dalam kehidupan mereka sebelum mereka sampai disini." tambahku.

"Kau masih ingat apa kata-kata Dufresne kan? Semasa dia duduk sendirian dalam bilik kecil tu?" tanyaku. Dia diam, dan lantas mengangguk-anggukkan kepalanya perlahan. Tangannya mengusap-ngusap badan gitar usangnya itu. "Ya, aku ingat tu", jawabnya.

"Manusia akan membuat apa saja untuk tidak membiarkan kotak mindanya terbiar kosong", sambungnya sambil tersengih. "Malam-malam macam ni pun sempat jugak kau nak berfalsafah dengan aku yer.." sambungnya lagi.

"Malam la masa nak berfalsafah beb", balasku sambil mencebik.

Malam makin menjangkau. Indon-indon tu masih lagi taksub dengan kerja-kerja mereka, Malah satu-dua dari mereka masih mampu untuk bergurau. Dan aku masih di beranda itu. Melihat telatah malam dan mereka. Dan dia.